Late bloomers

akhir2 ni jadi tempat org minta advice …
bab2 tak tau nak buat apa lepas grad, tak tau passion apa (sedangkan diri sendiri pun lost juga), lambat grad, lambat kawen dari orang lain…lambat….lambat ke? Bagi saya, orang macam ni adalah ‘late bloomers’, lambat berkembang tapi bila dah sampai masa, akan menyumbang kepada bidang yang memang sesuai untuk dia berdasarkan pengalaman yang dia kumpul sebab ‘lambat’ ni.
hurmm mungkin sebab saya ni memang jenis ‘lambat’ gak. Degree extend setahun, patut 3 tahun jadi 4 tahun sebab pergi exchange & masuk hospital sat kena tangguh dua sem. Parents cakap, takpa grad lambat, jadi ‘extended knowledge’.
Bila sambung master, setahun dok buat research quantitative, tup tup tak sesuai methodology, ubah jadi qualitative. Ubah suai thesis ikut cakap examiner, modify tajuk dan rewrite beberapa bahagian dlm thesis. Sebab kita tak boleh ‘paksa’ result tu untuk sama macam teori kalau ‘findings’ dia bukan macam tu.  Sama juga hidup kita..tak boleh paksa nak jadi juga macam kita nak, kalau kita memang tak ditakdirkan untuk dapat apa yang kita nak dan kena lalui proses dan jalan lain untuk sampai ke destinasi yang memang untuk kita. Lepas 4 tahun baru grad, tu pun jenuh kena paksa walaupun rasa nak berhenti je hari-hari hahahaa.
Lepas grad, banyak tolong parents buat research amik gambar, shoot video & my own little research yang saya minat (malay heritage). Mula-mula tu bercampur baur juga la perasaan macam rollercoaster, tapi lama-lama kita boleh terima yang ini satu proses yang penting untuk kita belajar dan berhenti hidup terkejar-kejar, jadi walaupun tak kerja yang bergaji macam orang lain, ada ja kerja nak buat dalam tak ada kerja tetap. Tanpa dirancang, sebenarnya saya sedang melalui proses ‘gap year’, iaitu dengan ‘taking a break’ daripada terus kerja dan buat apa2 bidang yang saya minat untuk tambah skill, orang putih cakap “Self development” tapi sebenarnya ia adalah proses “self discovery” bagi mereka yang tak tahu apa sebenarnya yang dia nak buat lepas ni.
Of cause… tak semua orang ada peluang ni, tapi jika ada ruang, ambillah peluang untuk volunteer bekerja di mana-mana tempat yang boleh tambah skill & pengalaman sesuai dengan minat masing-masing. Tak kira lah jika korang baru lepas grad ke, atau sedang kerja ke, carilah minat masing2 dan cuba sesuatu yang baru yang boleh tambahkan pengetahuan dan kemahiran masing-masing. Panjang atau pendek ‘gap’ yang korang buat terpulang pada korang, yang penting jangan terperangkap dengan routine sedia ada.
Wpun sekadar tukar rutin, dengan mula bersenam,join program2 hiking ke marathon ke, berenang ke, berkebun ke, volunteer ke, wall climbing ke, bermasyarakatlah semula…cari komuniti anda sendiri yang minat dengan apa yang kita minat. Dari situ kita akan belajar kenal pelbagai orang dan buka peluang untuk networking dengan orang-orang yang kita tak tahu satu hari akan membuka peluang baru yang boleh kita teroka & sesuai dengan minat kita.
Itu yang saya belajar sepanjang saya ‘berehat’ sebentar dari ‘berlari’ sebab saya sudah penat terkejar-kejar dalam persaingan dunia yang semakin hilang nilai kemanusiaan, tak ada sense of belonging dan semangat kekitaan dalam komuniti. Sebab saya tengok ramai yang bersikap individualistik dan hanya sibuk dengan dunia sendiri sampai kita terpaksa buat appointment untuk jumpa kawan sendiri sebab sibuk dengan hidup sendiri.
Semakin lama, saya bertanya pada diri sendiri “Apa yang saya kejar?”
Dan saya jadi ‘lost’ sekejap, dan perkara ini saya beritahu kepada si penanya,
“Its okay to get lost, because that’s how you will find yourself. Its okay to take your own time and explore your options, because that’s where you gain experience and learn to know what really suits you in the future. And one day, leads you to someone who is looking for the same thing you are looking for, who will want you because of who you are ” <—ni bukan pasal jodoh je tau, jodoh kerja pun boleh jadi hehe.
Apa2 pun saya memang jenis take my own time, and walk my own path, bukan melawan arus, cuma tak suka terkejar-kejar dengan ‘competition’ dunia. Mungkin dah memang tersurat perjalanan hidup saya memang bnyk detours & reroute….sebab yg plan tu Dia juga.
Jadi, kalau korang rasa macam apa yang saya rasa, bawa bertenang ye..rezeki untuk kita tu tetap ada jika kita berusaha dan bertawakal pada Dia. Kadang-kadang rezeki datang dengan cara yang kita tak disangka-sangka dari sumber , orang, yang kita pun tak sangka.
Jadi, bersangka baik dengan perancangan Allah swt, jika muslim. Jika bukan muslim pun, dalam Islam pun kami percaya yang rezeki sudah ditentukan oleh Tuhan tak kira kamu Islam atau tidak. Yang penting kita berusaha untuk keluar dari situasi yang kita berada. Berbaik-baiklah sesama manusia, bukan kerana nak minta ‘sesuatu’ dari orang tu, tapi kerana kita ikhlas nak berkawan dengan mereka, berjiran dengan mereka, sebab bila kita ikhlas dalam pekerjaan kita, tak kira apa yang kita buat, akan ada je orang nak tolong kita.
Kenapa? Sebab setiap perbuatan kita, ikhlas kerana Allah Taala, sebab kita tahu walapun orang tak balas balik pertolongan kita, Allah swt tahu apa yang kita buat, dan cukuplah Allah swt bagi kita sebab tak ada yang lebih baik yang boleh membalas setiap perbuatan kita melainkan Allah swt. Jadi ‘remove our thinking that ‘people’ owe us for what we do (tapi jangan lah sampai kena pijak atau digunakan), tapi mintalah pada yang memberi rezeki, yang Maha Kaya dan Maha Memberi. Barulah berkat hidup kan?
Gituuuuu….(boleh tulis buku motivasi ni hahaha)

2017

2016 was like a rollercoaster of emotion, as i graduated in 2015, everything seems happy, family and friends congratulating,  and so whats next ?  So by 2016, like any graduate, i was hopeful that i will find a job that i like and passionate about although i still didn’t know what i wanted to do.

Without hesistating, i accepted a job to fill in for a vacancy available. I will not mention where and what because its facebook/social media where – professionally speaking, you should never post anything about your workplace on the internet (Rule number 1). Details aside, I didn’t continue my contract, I was not happy , the kind of happy where no matter what happens , you still look forward the next day. Give me any job, i will be very happy to do it, i get from my parents most , a hardworking employee (if there’s anyone more hardworking i know , it would be my parents!)

So i learn that, being good at something doesnt necessarily means that it’s your career but a job you do to fulfill your responsibility as an employee where you work in. Of cause not everyone have the luxury or priviledged to this. But if you do find yourself able to take a break from this, take a gap year and give yourself some time to figure out what you want to do next.

So, i went on helping my parents, sometimes as a photographer, taking photos of their research with community, sometimes makes videos of it, sometimes writing a research paper, sometimes about the people i come across with, simply because i am happy to write about people with such passion and inspirational. Little people making small changes to their community. So most of my friends on facebook would be reading it via ‘Stories Of The Day’ album. It was written out of the spur moment because my head is full of words that i needed to write it down and share it.

Writing came naturally to me, it was never something  I learn professionally. I just write whenever my mind have something to say, and can only be translated through writing. I remember being very excited to write the essay part in english class or exam. And i always wanted to write differently though my teacher never comment or praise  my writing, but i know what my teacher feels through the grade.

Growing up, my writings were sacred, keeping a diary was my refuge. But once it was discovered by my siblings, i was traumatized for some time and stopped writing. I forgave all of you btw, its just necessary that i write this part to connect to the next part.

After years of not writing except for school purposes, i stopped expressing my thoughts unless its exam time. As i enter my university year, i started writing again via blogspot but still i am easily found out online lol! Until one day a friend introduced me to another blog platform where you can anonymously write without revealing yourself. In some way, it helps me to channel my thoughts and whatever in my mind ‘freely’ without worrying what people might think or comment on.

Again, i was still found out by very few people i know who was using the same blogging platform. I deleted right away (even though my followers was growing) and made a new one, strangely, some of the followers consistently can recognize my writing no matter what url i change to haha.  So i gave up and just continue writing.

Tbh, i didnt like having that many followers, that button shouldnt exist! It makes you feel insecure of how many people are reading your posts, it took me some time to believe that people actually follows your blog because they enjoyed reading your posts. I see this from the comments and messages i received based on my posts . But i never take my writing seriously until i contributed the articles to The Vocket on my experience staying with Malay community in Capetown.

I was rather surprised by the feedback and happy that people appreciate and enjoyed reading it. For me, as long as the message i want to share with my readers received well, i am already happy even though i didnt get anything from it (it was done for free because i wanted more people to know about the malay community in capetown rather than about me going there).

Coming back to Malaysia, it took me a while to get myself adjusted to the attention people gave me both in Capetown and Malaysia. Not to say that i am now somewhat famous, but at least to those who has been following my journey, they were quite receptive to see the writing side of me. Some suggested that i write books, or documentary script, document it in something written but all i really want that time is to take a break from the whole social interaction that i had almost everyday. As much as i love meeting people, i also needed my own time to recharge and relax my mind from everything happening around me.

Psychology says i might be an ambivert , one who enjoys both socializing like extroverts do but also takes refuge in  her own solitude ‘mind palace’. Other names, might be extroversion introvert, but i think everyone have their own side which they most strongly connect with. Only that people might be selective with who they open up to or connect with, but other times can actually act like normal human being and not subjected to particular label or non existent boxes in their mind.
However, its thanks to the articles i shared in The Vocket, ithat made me realize, writing can be an influential and powerful communication tool to all kinds of people depending on the kind of message you want to post. It brings together the like minded people who is interested in the same thing we are passionate about or attract new readers to want to know more about what you wrote, as long as your intention is right.

I learn that you cant continue to hide your talent because one day it will show or someone will find out your talent. And if we keep on surpressing it and denying that we are good at something, we are injustice about who we are and the gift that God have given to us to do something forwhatever talent He gave us.

So, i started to accept that i might be a writer (or a ‘storyteller’ to some ) though not yet a book writer, but at least have written a fair amount of  things i wrote in different platform, academically or not. But it is up to me to write my life in the next 365 days. So every day is a chance for me and anyone reading this to write a new page. Although we cannot rewrite our past that brought us to where we are now, but we can certaily write the present which is, today! So, write a good one and may everyone of you have good year ahead! Happy new year!

*Slowly writing my own path…..

30!

Turning 30 was easier than i expected (although i was rather anxious the day before. Haha) but waking up like its just another day, dont make me feel any different about it. I kinda like my age right now, the number is ‘even’ now haha! 
Just a little tip, whenever you turn older, go meet someone older than you and ask them about their experience in life haha! For some reason, i felt a bit calmer when i hear about other peoples experience in achieving their life, the choices they make, the things they do, and how they started their career and reach where they are now, makes you feel like we have more to look forward to than the things that is holding us back in the past. Hehe thanks you know who you are 😉
My life has been a long detours and rollercoaster ride, thanks to all my ups and downs, pauses and stops ive had to face for the past 30 years, that brought me to where i am. Who i am today were because of the past experience i go through, our experiences and mistakes in life is preparing us to be who we are today. And at least, other than a lesson learned, some made into a good story i sometimes share with selected few and had a good laugh of the things that happened in the past. My life have become more interesting thanks to it!
Alhamdulillah for the past 30 years, and insyAllah to the years to come. May Allah swt continue to give us more time to learn and become a better person everyday and contribute back to people around us for as long as Allah swt have written for us. Thank you again for the wishes and prayers, may Allah swt grant your prayers and reward you with what is best for you too! 
And alhamdulillah to everyone who came into my life, whether or not they stay or not, thank you for being part of the chapters in my life. It has been a wonderful journey and i look forward for whatever lesson and experience that has been written for me! To reach 30 years old is also rezeki. Okayyyy….😉

  

8 little happiness

i watched a video asking the viewer what makes you happy? and this is my response to it

1) making a new friend 🙂

i didn’t expect to be able to connect with someone as much as i did with her. i must say, agreeing to follow her research have enabled me to talk about some things that i only share with a selected few. its probably the food hunt that did most of the work. lol! i thank you for that. you know who you  are 🙂

2) this happened when i was about to leave Penang to Kl, a foreign women was asking where will the bus stops at, with quite struggling Malay and Nepal accent. I am very sure she is not from Malaysia. Then, the driver ask where she’s from and she was blushing silent and signal that she’s from here, trying to cover the fact she’s not. Later her phone rings and speaks fluently in Nepal language and when the ticket man came to check her ticket , but she couldn’t understand the Penang dialect, she quickly opens the dictionary. Later on she left the bus. Still it was quite a funny scene to see her trying to pretend to be a local with thick Nepal accent.

3) this happened when we were eating, the family next to us have two kids, and suddenly the girls came up to us and wanted to ‘salam’ us, one of them even hugged my friend which she delightedly returns the kind gesture. one of them wanted to take the tissue packet on our table, maybe because it have cartoon on it, but her father stops her from taking what is not theirs, so she was crying because of it. still it made us very happy to suddenly be greeted with two little kids.

4) we were in jalan TAR, trying to find the famous Capital Cafe which is famous for Mee Hailam, it felt like i was in Penang again. We also passed by an old cinema which have an antique film camera displayed in front of it. the internal broadcast in me was literally screaming to joy. and then we find ourselves to the cafe recommended, a beggar came to ask for money, my friend gave her extra and she was leaping with joy, that too made me smile.

5)  this happened particularly when we were visiting the Negeri Sembilan Museum, knowing that we were doing a research, a practical student from uitm who was doing his internship asked us a lot of question on postgraduate life, particularly to my friend since she’s doing her Phd. But i shared a bit of my two cents from my own experience, the look in his eyes, that eagerness to pursue their studies but a little scared and the relief in his face after hearing our story, that too made me happy

6) we were in Terengganu, trying to find respondents, which lead to us into a ‘pokemon’ @ respondent-mon search from house to house in a kampung where Songket weavers are known to be living in. Some was very kind to invite us to their home, and serve tea, while some were a bit not comfortable of being interviewed. either way, it lead to many beautiful moments which i will forever remember , especially that kind young girl who had to quit her school after her parents pass away and help to manage the little stall. she even helped to buy our lunch when the food at her stall runs out. such a kind person , may God bless her with good life and happiness too!

7) reconnecting with some old friends i have not seen for quite some time… i try to meet as many friends possible whenever i visit a certain area,  but  not all of them..lol! still it was good to catch up though some awkward moments to try to meet all of them at the same time with none of them knowing each other except they know me hehe.. i end up being a bit of introvert for a moment there, but im glad they all clicked with each other.

8)when i finally arrive home, my niece and nephew shyly comes out from their parents room, and they were very happy to help me open my parcel before my nephew takes it away to draw and sit on it pretending he is on a boat. and that alone made me happy because im finally….home ^^

it doesn’t take much to be happy….it only takes….you 🙂

Parents

We learn a lot from our parents, I learn a lot about being a child from them.

My father learn how to be a parents from my grandparents. Sometimes, they also learn something from their children or grandchildren

And thats how we learn, from each other.

When my grandparents was still alive, I remember going back to our village almost every month.

Because my dad will buy some groceries, and neccesity for my grandparents like adult diapers, medicine etc.

I may not be close with my grandparents, but i know for a fact that they love us in their own way.

My grandmother is a quiet person, never say much but once in a while she will ask me what stage of school i am now.

When she could still cook on her own, she would make a delicious ‘nasi goreng kampung’. Even when she was still on her wheel chair, she could still make one for me. Later on when she couldn’t, we would be the one who brought food for her. Whenever we come home, i always notice her eyes will light up, her smile grew bigger, even if she doesn’t say much but her expression shows.

Idon’t know much about my grandmother, until the day she pass away. Its only on that day, people tell you how good she is and what kind of person she was when she was still alive. Some story i already know, some i found out much later. The one thing i regret was not knowing her, when she was still alive.

Every family have their own story, no matter how much we don’t like each other, we still love each other. So, if we find ourselves full with egos, or anything negative feelings towards one another, just think of this way. Life is short….even shorter than we think. Try to appreciate every moment you have because everyone knows that when our loved ones pass away, we would do anything , wishing that we could have one more chance , one more day, to be with them again.When people pass away, whatever fights we have won’t matter anymore, because they are already gone.

Whenever i hear about friends parents passing away, i felt sad not just for them but the fact that i have to prepare myself with. My condolence to all my friends whom their parents passed away. Know that Allah swt loves them more than we do. So even if they are gone, I pray that you will carry one to live for them and continue to take care of the family they leave behind. The role may shifts, the responsibility may be heavier, but them passing away will not change their love for you. We can still , at least pray for them so our responsibility as children still continues.

May Allah bless thier soul and give us who still have parents, to be able to contribute to our parents no matter how successful we become. Money can’t buy you time to be with our parents, spend it wisely.

Dear future me

Don’t let yourself be taken for granted

If people mistreat you, speak up, don’t keep it to yourself

You are only going to hurt yourself. Don’t let people treat you the way you shouldn’t be treated.

If you made a mistake apologize, there’s nothing wrong with swallowing up your pride if you are doing that out of your own mistakes.But if its isn’t then don’t own up to a mistake that weren’t your fault

Don’t take the blame for something you did not do, stay firm, be firm to yourself that you are not the one who should be blamed.Don’t let what other people think of you get into your head.Nobody is perfect, so are you.

Dont believe what people say about you easily, most of the time they were only thinking of what they expect you to be.

Don’t try to meet their expectation, you do not live because of what other people expect you to be. Live up to your own expectation.

You can change but make sure its because you want to change not because of other people asking you to change to fit their idea of who you should and should not be.

Evaluate whether there is some truth, reject them if they are not. But do it kindly, resist from trying to hurt them back, you are not there to hurt them, you are there to help them

Its okay if they can’t see it the way you see it , you were just being straightforward, and you said only what they need to hear not what they want to hear.

Don’t sugar coat what you want to say, the truth hurts even if its bitter, if they cant handle the truth then let them. You are better off without such negativity. Remove them , its going to hurt now but you will heal, it will get better. Find better friends, else, make yourself a better person.

You can’t change the way people think of you but you can always change the kind of people you surround yourself with. You do not need such negativity, you live your life long enough to put up with peoples crap, its about time you stop doing that and put yourself first.

Sometimes you just have to be selfish to people who is selfish enough not to realize how they have been treating you and other people. Do not make yourself an excuse that they can change , they wont, because they will just stick to their own ego and remain the same.

Nobody can change except themselves. You change too, because it is crucial for you to make changes in your life, you cant remain the same person you were few years ago, else you wont grow, and you want to grow right? So do yourself a favour, stop giving people too many favours!

Sooner or later you will find yourself making the best decision, protect yourself from getting hurt , from being brought down by these people , and from yourself.

You don’t have to apologize any more, if they cant accept that, then its up to them. Walk away from the things that no longer make you happy, if they are a real friend, they will come back, else don’t expect people to come back. You don’t need negative people to lead a positive life.

Be positive, always, every day, because that’s all you need to be. Think of all the good things you have, all the good friends who is there for you, think of the family you have, think of all the good thing in the world, so that you don’t have time to think of the bad stuff.

Don’t focus on one single event that hurts you, focus on the bigger picture. Make yourself busy, focus on what you need to do now than remembering all the things that should be left in the past, there’s a fairly good reason why it should stay there.

Not everyone will make it to your future, but for those who  does, thank them, be good to them.  Keep the old friends but open yourself up for new ones, don’t focus on the one person who choose to walk out from you, let them go. There’s no point asking them to stay if they don’t want to, you’ve tried,  and that’s okay.

Don’t try to fix things that you cannot change, its not within your control. Let go of the things beyond your control, take control of your life. There’s no time to lose what you have built so far, you will gain more friends , more good things once you have cleared out the baggage, loosen up a little but don’t let yourself lose yourself in the process of loving others. You are your own person. No one can take it away from you.

Never give anyone the power over you, the only power whom you can surrender yourself to is God alone. So submit to Him and Only Him. There’s always a reason why He removes us from the heartache, in fact He is saving you from all these people so that you don’t get strayed away from His path. You know what happens when you put others beside Him, even if you don’t mean to do that. Sometimes, we forget, and that’s okay.

What is important is that you realize your mistakes,remember Him and He will remember you.

Don’t dwell on your past, move on, live in the present. The choice you make today will shape who you are in the future. So make a good decision, learn from the bad ones. And maybe, just maybe, you are going to make the greatest decision you have ever made.

Sincerely

Present Me.

Dear someone I used to know.

Knowing you was the best time of my life, even if its just for a short time,

I learnt so much from you

Pretending not to know you – not so much.

In spite of everything, you will always remain a friend to me.

I could not understand what and how this happened, but I believe that there will always be a reason behind everything that have happened.

Perhaps, the real reason was not what it was actually about, perhaps it is, but for whatever reason it is all about, stuffs happen and we can’t change the past. But, I believe that we can change the way we treat others, and appreciate those who stayed with us.

I don’t know how you are holding on, but I hope you are doing okay. I was not okay at first, but I am feeling better now to finally write this here.

All I know is that we are just two different flawed person, who needed to go on our own separate journey to discover about ourselves. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise so we can both grow from here.

And maybe, in the future when we are ready to accept each other’s flaw, we could be a better friend for each other.

Until that day comes, you go that way, I go this way, if by fate,we meet again, we’d greet each other like old friends do.

I’m sure with or without me,your life will be okay, and so will mine be.

Be happy and take a very good care of yourself.

Farewell..