Kak Lang

We don’t have a lot of photos together but I liked this one the best.

In 2009, she got married, Um & Abi was very happy that day. Um picked everything with or for her. Being the first daughter, to get married, everything was extra prepared.
She hired photographer and videographer, we use the same caterer because my parents liked their service and food for the following wedding since my brother’s wedding.

Many relatives came to help and we were touched by the support we get. Although Um was busy greeting the guests but her smile tells everything.
And when Izzati arrive, Um was the last to visit her. She told me, my sister was scared she held her hand tightly when Um wanted to go home for sahur. Izzati arrive on the first of Ramadhan. She was overjoyed even since the news about her pregnancy. Um loved her grandchildren the same but Izzati spend the most time together.

Whenever I see Um spending time with Izzati, I see how she would treat us when we were small. Though at times Um was strict with us, but her love encompassed everything we do. From our relatives, we knew, Um was very patient handling all five us. Um made sure we know that so that we appreciate her 😂

So when I grow up, I made sure Um knows, she trained and raised us well. Everytime I’m about to do something she doesn’t like, I will stop because her words sticks in my head even when she’s not around to remind me that. It’s already ‘implanted’ since I was small she’d say 😆. I knew her words so well that I know every tone, face expression that she doesn’t need to say much, I can complete the sentence what she’s about to say next. Sometimes, I hear Um’s word coming out of my sister’s mouth that I thought it was Um 😅

Today is my mother’s first daughter birthday, her third children. When we were young, each one of us were quite a challenge as our age gaps were very close and yet that taught her ‘sabar’ @ patience. Um made sure I do that whenever I takes care of my nieces and nephew. Also towards anyone who tests my patience and remind myself of Allah swt is testing me through them.

Kak lang, my sister may not be perfect but she is imperfectly perfect gitu 😂

Posted in um

Thank you TIGS ‘Aunties’

Lunch reunion with Um’s TIGS schoolmate. Alhamdulillah glad to fufill another wish since Um have always wanted to attend but never had the time to do so.

Six of them came to visit Um at the hospital almost every week, sending different person to check on her progress. Some managed to see her when she was conscious and responsive.

Abi encouraged me to return their visit as a way to thank them for their support and prayers made for her. So, I cut short my trip to Kuching so I can join their lunch reunion in honor of Aunty Shamsina return to Malaysia whom Um met in Bicester, UK previously.

(Aunty Shamsina, opens her own massage and cupping @ bekam service in UK http://www.pisang.uk)

On behalf of our family, we would like to thank their support and endless doa throughout Um’s recovery.

Although Um passed away last month, I am glad that at least one of her children can visit them. Being able to help them take group photo and serve them food etc makes me feel like Um was around, coz she would order me to help out wherever possible anyway. 😂

Thank you TIGS aunties for the warm welcome and hospitality through out my stay. Truly Um is blessed to have such great friends regardless their race or faith.

I pray that one day Allah swt will reunite us all together in heaven @ ‘Jannah’. InsyAllah. Aamin

Special thanks to Aunty Zaleha, first visitor from TIGS, followed by Aunty Teo BH, then..Aunty Zaidah, Hapidah, Salbiah, Faridah ( Yes, so many -dah 😆) Also those who wanted to come but could not make it.

Also to Aunty J who hosted the lunch today, and Aunty Shamsina for hosting my mom when Um visited her in Bicester, UK. Though I do not know her, but it was nice to meet my mom’s friend in person in spite of everything.

Terima kasih Daun keladi

Ada rezeki, jumpa lagi

Posted in um


Everyone grieve differently, take all the time you need to heal.

For me, redha is accepting I have done enough for my Mother even if I wanted to do more. I am enough.

Redha is, knowing she is in the best of care, and was treated with the most mercy and ‘touched’ in the softest way which only we know.

Redha is, believing that although my Mother can no longer make doa, us siblings can still do the same for her.

Redha is, moving on with our life and continuing the things she would do, following her character and importantly preparing ourselves for our own time so that we can be reunited in the best state possible.

And finally.. Redha is knowing that although she is no longer here, she will always be in our heart wherever we go.

“And reckon not those who are killed in Allah’s way as dead; nay, they are alive (and) are provided sustenance from their Lord; Rejoicing in what Allah has given them out of His grace, and they rejoice for the sake of those who, (being left) behind them have not yet joined them, that they shall have no fear, nor shall they grieve. They rejoice on account of favour from Allah and (His) grace, and that Allah will not waste the reward of the believers” (3:169-171).

Posted in um


One of Um’s earliest research 10 years ago in Sabah to develop science module under INSPIRE project for Sabahan Primary Schools under Yayasan Sabah. Through this project she worked closely with her later best friend Dr Emma and Dr Nooraida (not in this photo) to go around Sabah collecting their data.

Um have always been an inspiration to us all, and she loves observing children’s development including her own children, she will tell me the stage of their development and give me tips to handle my nieces and nephew 😆

As we grow up, Um used all her knowledge on Child Development and use psychology approach to us siblings. Each one of us have our own identity so her approach will be different but she love us all the same.

As far as I remember, she never hit us as she doesn’t believe in hitting children as it will leave an impact to the children. Whenever her grandchildren throw tantrums, she would be the first to hug and soothe them. She will always talk to them like they are adult because she never baby talk, and speaks clearly the words.

She reminds me not to underestimate the ability for children to understand. Turns out her grandchildren became mature even at a young age they can understand a lot of thing that surprised us.

The kids have already understand about Um passing away Alhamdulillah. May her past research project and whoever contribute to the projects continue to receive jariah @ good deeds. Aamin


*Maktok writing in Jawi of Um’s name and her parents name

“Walaupun dah lima tahun Mak saya meninggal dunia, tetap rasa macam semalam” – T

“Setiap kali org cakap aku kena move on sebab Bapak aku dah lama meninggal, aku akan cakap, takpa, satu hari setiap orang akan rasa diuji kehilangan seseorang yg dia sayang”

– F


For me , the second day was the hardest because I did not cry on the day she passed away. Allah swt gave me gift of redha, and I am open to talk about her passing away by writing about her as my refuge and therapy.

Those who knows me, knows how close we were. The lost my friends felt when I know their parents passed away, I now felt. It’s a feeling I never want anyone to feel especially if they are not ready or strong enough like how Allah swt prepared for us.

If I could choose one pain, is to never have to feel the pain of separation between parents and children. I can handle the miss whenever she goes outstation because I know she will come back. This time, she won’t, ever.

The only way I can see her, is through old photos of her, I remember most of the photos I take of her and the story behind it. But slowly I panicked because I forget at times her look and how her voice sounds.

Today, I am in a land where we promised to go, booked the flight together, and excitedly looking forward to attend a person wedding we both visited previously in Cork. However, Allah swt schedule her for a different path, she returns back to Allah swt and passed away 19 days before the wedding. I came anyway because that was her final wish and I do need a break from everything that have happened.

Separuh jiwa pergi @ half of our soul went for some, but for me, its like half of my body gone. On her third day of passing away, I had anxiety attack, my chest felt so painful that my friend had to hug me. I cried so much because that’s the only thing I could do. I was afraid because I don’t feel enough, my prayers, my Quran reading, I had to learn again because I just don’t feel my tajweed or reading is fluent enough.

I can never sleep again after Subuh not because I am a person who doesn’t sleep after Subuh. I always sleep after Subuh in the past, but since her passing, I just couldn’t because I normally get diarrhea almost everyday before Subuh in her final week and until a few weeks later I recovered from it after changing my food diet and started to take a walk again as exercise in the mornings. But I can never sleep again after Subuh until its time to sleep again at night. If I waked up earlier than Subuh and have energy, I will do Tahajjud or else Dhuha, at times I just stare at the blank wall, and wait for Subuh. Sometimes I’m awake at 430, 530 and 6am. I am thankful of this new routine, somehow I feel calm though tired in the beginning as I realize I took care of her almost a month at the hospital before she stayed in ICU for another month.

My friends reminded me, I have done enough, I know. My mom always remind me that even before she was sick, I have always been enough for her. And yet, in between the day, I will sneak some doa, whenever I miss her.

This is me recovering. We will be okay, Um. InsyAllah. We are going to be okay.

Salam Aidiladha 2019

Selamat Hari Lahir, Abi.

Alhamdulillah dapat berkumpul semua anak menantu cucu Abi tahun ini.

Semoga keluarga kita sentiasa bersatu, saling kasih mengasihi, jaga menjaga di masa akan datang

Semoga Abi terus diberi kesihatan yang baik, rezeki yang luas, dan dipermudahkan setiap urusan.

Walauapapun, Um tetap dalam ingatan dan doa kami. Semoga kita semua dapat disatukan dalam keadaan yang paling diredhai Allah swt bersama Bidadari Syurga kami. Insyallah