Happiness 

When a friend once asked me why i look extraordinary happy since the last time, she met me (yes, i too once hit rock bottom). By then ive already graduated, but i did not have a job yet. I was also anxious about a lot of things, but mainly because of not having a job. 
And then i did get a job, but i still did not feel happy. Then, I quit and felt happier because I don’t have to keep on a brave face, fake smile, doing something that no longer makes me happy.
Then i went through some internal journey, trying new things, giving myself a break, spending some time with nature though I don’t like to spend too long in it without human communication (I’m an ambivert) 
And then slowly, find myself involved with small projects here and there, that lead me to one thing to another, sometimes from helping my parents, sometimes from co author writing research papers, sometimes from creating workshops – sometimes out of request – sometimes initiated – but always have something to do no matter how small it seems.
My first answer that came into my mind was, first, I am debt free. Alhamdulillah. Ptptn wise, I have returned what i owed so that other people can benefit from it.  
Secondly , i have made peace with whatever that was bothering me, my past, my regrets, and all the things i hoped for but did not happen..was better than what i hoped for. That my delay was His blessings in showing me other path opened up for me
Thirdly, because i realized that you can create your own job, when you start to believe in yourself, and self motivate yourself. That rizq is not from a person, an employer or worst, settling yourself to a job that is not worth your time, peace of mind and importantly your own happiness because . 
Instead, by the people who support you and you supporting them back. Not in a scheming way of asking for favors, etc. but through real life social networking that i never realize i was fortunate enough to have – family who support you – understands your circumstances- friends who accepts you – believes in you – keeps in touch wih you – there for you though mostly you have to turn to different friends for moral support if one is not available. Who doesn’t ask for anything in return except you continue to be a friend. 
They come sometimes from people you never expect, who believed in your ability when you couldn’t see that from your own point if view until somebody point it out to you. 
Certainly it wasn’t an easy journey to let go of your own expectations, and self doubt, even until today, you still struggle to find the meaning of life and making sense to every changes in your life. But it feels a lost better to not carry this heavy imaginary burden that haven’t happened yet (I go by if it hadn’t happen yet, don’t waste time worrying about it & focus on the present kind of life goals) 
Somehow that gave me peace, and calm because as cliche this may sound, its true, when you stop putting your happiness to please people ortrying to meet certain expectations – even your own, you learn to breathe a little better. 
Also it made me notice things more , the simple life pleasure, like taking a walk, making your own food fixed, eating obviously, and everything around you, you see it differently. 
Like a wise men once said, don’t put dunya (the world) in your heart but instead in your hand, and you will conquer the world. Not in a do inating kind of way, but being aware that life is too short to let other people dictate your happiness or let them effect you negatively and simply let go – for the ake of your own peace of mind. 
Alhamdulillah m life has been kind, and I would like to teturn this kindness to those who might be struggling like me , by sharing this post.  
Take a break, and try again tomorrow. Repeat. Until you no longer have to find happiness but see it in yourself that it was there all along.

Happiness is a choice, sometimes given, sometimes taken, but always returns in a different form – better than you wish it to be.  So, go in, make someone happy, and see how it returns to you by the mere smile  of the person you made their life slightly happier, sorrow less heavier, and just being there , even if the only thing you could offer is our presence. 

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