I used to be scared of losing friends, and blamed myself when they walk away. When my parents told me that they don’t have best friends, and pretty much don’t bother keeping in touch with anyone from school. Or how my dad dreads going to school reunion because they always talk about the past instead of the future. I was sad for them, because its as if they don’t have friends at all.But they actually do, they are best friends with each other. So I was happy to know that.

But I was also scared for myself, that when i grow up i will become like them, not having friends I can really call best friends. Or maybe i will through my future husband. But best friends..it takes a lot of effort as much as it takes a lot of effort to be with someone you love.

Friends comes first before your love life usually, they are the ones who knows who you like , what you like and if they understand you enough, knows how to cheer you up.

Being a friend, was easy for me. Making friends, well thats another thing. There are times that I can easily just say hi and be friends with people. Other time I just do my own thing not wanting to be friends with anyone. Sometimes it saves you from all the drama you have to deal with in the future, sometimes its the best thing you’ve ever done, for making that first move.

But then, when you lose your friend because they can’t stand being with you, because of silly arguments, because they lied on you, and sometimes because you grow apart , you can’t help to wonder what went wrong and whether or not its your fault.

I never felt good enough as a person, but as a friend, one single word from friends you trust the most, can change you. Friends can bring you down or lift you up, and when friends fight and they say mean things to hurt each other, it can really leave you a scar. And you’re left to yourself to heal that on your own. or if you are lucky, other friends will help to mend your broken pieces.

The first few friends that I had to lose, I had to deal it on my own. That time, i felt really bad, and took a long long time to recover. Somehow, they made me feel that it was all my fault, and you are not good enough for them. Its only after that recent episode I previously posted about, friends came from everywhere you never expect giving you support, reminding you that you are worth it and its not entirely your fault.

It was then I learn that you can’t force friendship to happen, and those times you fight with your friends are the time where you learn about each other, and know who is your real friends because only true friends see you through in spite of your flaw, regardless what happens, they trust you enough that you are still a friend. And that kind of friends are rare to find.

Still, even after all the heartache, months recovering from a fall out friendship, I do sometimes miss them and wish that we could still be friends. Though, I still get this hate feeling, not in contempt, just somewhat annoyed …why they can’t see you the way others see you? weren’t you good to them?  Somehow you don’t want to know because you fear their answer, also, it doesn’t matter anymore because you have already gone separate ways.

There was one time though, I manage to ask one of them, when we had a fight. The answer was, just because you fight with your friends, you need to face them and talk it out instead of walking away.Running away, wont solve the problem. So I learn to talk it out, but still it didn’t go quite well. I was never good at talking, because when I do, the words don’t really come out the way you thought. And you end up holding back your tears because you either lose a friend or be the one who walks away from them.

Another told me, that it wasn’t my fault but because they weren’t mature enough at that time and chose to walk away. So somehow that made me come to some sense that sometimes, its not your fault and its okay to let them go. Because one day, they will realize who you are and come back into your life.

There are times when I was the one who walk out on them, other time, they are the ones who choose to leave. You want them to stay, but you don’t want to become desperate enough to ask them to stay. There is still self worth that you keep to yourself not out of ego, but out of respect to yourself. You may lower your ego and compromise, but there are times you can’t do that if they push you too far making you feel so low. And for me, thats not friendship.

Friendship is when you can grow together in spite of your flaws, in spite of your faults, and regardless what happens, you still want to be friends because you know that its their personality, and you just have to accept them the way they are.

And last year, was about accepting people for the way they are, and accepting my own weakness. That I can be a b*tch sometimes, that I am also capable of hurting people, that I am also vulnerable, and that I am not perfect.There are something in  you that you don’t like either, so you can’t expect everyone to like you. Some things you keep to yourself and only open up your true side for those who really deserve to see that side of you. So all you can do is just be open to whatever , whoever that comes and let them leave because their chapter with you have ended. You can never repeat or change the past, you can only move forward.

So yes, I am still scared of losing people I love, but this time I’m gonna be brave enough to face them so that I can let them go when the time comes. Eventually, you will lose your friends, at every stage of your life, but you also gain new ones who stays. So thank you for staying, you know who you are..

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