June was a blessing in disguise.
It taught me again of the meaning of a true friendship and made me realize the people i already have more than the one’s who left.
I must say it was not easy for me to let go of the people I care about, and yet, letting go don’t necessarily mean i don’t care about them anymore, but its because i had to take care of my own feelings before others.
Its probably the most unselfish act of all since i do realize how much I have been giving to people who don’t deserve it and yet they are the one’s who taught me the greatest lesson in my life. For that, I still have to thank them for the lesson.
In the process of healing, as I would say, detoxifying myself from the negative people I came across with. I was quite surprised on how much my true friends were ready to support me all the way. Sometimes even friends whom i don’t expect to be there for me, turn up at the strangest time. It makes me appreciate them more now that I no longer focus on the past.
It did teach me a lot about myself and how I am also responsible of how i treat people. I must say I can mistreat people without realizing, there are so many things about me that i wish i could erase but i have come into terms that i cannot be whole without accepting my flaws.
So i learn to acknowledge it and try to improve from then on. Its quite funny how childish i can be at one point of my life,and when i encountered a childish attitude, it only help me to reflect on who i used to be a few years back. But that was afterall the times when we are supposed to be childish, the important part is that i have grown up and hopefully grow out of that.
Because of that, i decided to drop my ego and talk to that person i used to act childish with. Ive wasted almost 4 years perhaps not talking to that person and kept a distance thinking i was right when we both weren’t very much mature at that time.
Perhaps thats why i felt the need to help that friend of mine, but the problem is that we can only be mature on our own. Nobody can teach that, we have to learn the hard way how to let go of some parts of us so that we can grow to be a better person in the future.
It also taught me that at times i am not always right even if i think i have the right to be mad. But i don’t have the right to treat people as I please, just to satisfy my own ego or defend my own principle.
So now, i look forward for this Ramadhan, to improve myself not just because its Ramadhan, but because I want to be a better person and not be dragged by my past. I know that there are things I am not proud of, people i hurt, feelings that i have bruised, and ego’s that i have tampered, but if i didn’t do any of those, i will never perhaps learn not to do that again to other people and apologize to them.
I have accepted that some things cant be fixed no matter how much we try to fix, it can only be fixed by the One who made it possible for such thing to happen. It was a good reminder though it was hard to get out of the situation in the beginning. But alhamdulillah, i was blessed with good people who helped me through the hard times. I can only change the way i treat people and not how others treat me. Its the only way, else we will always end up being disappointed by our own expectations.
As of now, i am learning to enjoy yet again the solitude of being alone while i try my best to keep in touch with some of the people around me. Its quite liberating to be free from the negative things that pulls you down, i certainly do not want to stay the same place i was before. I want to grow and the only way to grow is to cut some people off my life or at least keep them at bay.
As cruel this sound, sometimes we just have to let people go so that they can learn how to do that themselves since we focus too much for others that we tend to lose part of ourselves slowly it eats us up. I do however will always care for them, just enough that i can watch their back at a safe distance. Pray for them, that is the best we could do if we can’t do anything to change what have happened. But we can always pray for them and leave it to God to change their heart to realize this.
Nowadays i take pleasure in the smallest thing, like walking on dried leafs, internally dancing to the songs in my mp3, talking to random strangers, smiling to anyone who needs a lil bit of smile in their day, and spending as much time with people i care esp my family.
And writing this, because i haven’t been writing much now here ever since i have to write my thesis hehe I hope you are all doing fine, if not, do something about it to change that to awesome!