Sunday reflections #1

I am learning to listen more than i talk. But often at times i find it hard to focus, not because i wasnt interested but i was busy trying to understand the words people tell me.

Im a person who likes to share their life story, because its my way of sharing part of me to them. But there will be people who prefers to keep it short and dont really want to know about it because they are just not into details. They dont like themselves to be updated with what we do in our day because they prefer to have their time alone to recharge themselves after a long day. They just want to rest and talk to you later when they are fully recharged. And its okay.

However, there are people who communicates with touch, which i get uncomfortable at first if i dont really know them. Its an unfamiliar feeling and i am not good in dealing with human touch. I dont express much until i am really comfortable to be myself with them. I close myself and opens up only when the time is right and the person deserves it.

Hence, i seem cold when in reality, even the coldest person will melt if you wait long enough till they let their guards down. It all depends on the way you approach that person, be cautious and yet , listen to them more if they like to talk. But if you like to talk,then learn to listen more even if you hate it, it will mean a lot to people who desereves your attention

Some are okay with awkward silence, just by you being there without saying a word matters more, they just dont want to be alone at times when they are vulnerable. They may seem quiet but inside their head they are pretty loud thinking about it.

Some talks it out because thats how they make sense of what they think of inside their mind. So you dont have to give them a solution because they already know what to do, they just want someone to listen and convince them that they did the right thing or they can overcome whatever worries them. They may seem insecure, and needs constant support through words or encouragement, even a simple touch or hug or kind words or small gestures or thoughtful actions could make a difference in their life. They dont say much but they show it through their actions.

This is quite the hardest thing to do when two opposite people meets, those who express through words or actions, and those who says it through touch for both crave the same attention as the opposite. But if they somehow learn to accept their differences rather than focus on the small things, perhaps they can focus more on the similarities or the bigger picture of it.

Some gets so caught up in their head they forget that others craves their attention, physically or emotionally. Those who are touchy people, will touch you so often or every now and then to express their love. But some, could not express the same way, but they will subtly give hints by their actions. Either by small gestures, by writing , by talking to them, you just have to be sensitive enough to read their signs.

Of cause some may forget that people cant read their mind the way they somehow could read others. So they have to learn to talk it out and share what they think because there are people who cant guess what you think until you tell them.

Talking it out at times helps to understand each other better, it doesnt have to be just about you and them , it can also just be a simple thing like what makes you happy or not, what irrittates you,and when to avoid you. Explore various topics so that you dont get misunderstanding when people do or say certain things to you that you dont like or you love.

Before, i dont see it a point to say all this, and talk about what i think. Ive been caught up with my own head and finds it hard to express my thoughts well , verbally. I take time to open up to people, even to those close to me what i am going through because i dont want them to worry about me. But it will only make people feel that you are shutting them out from your life, when you were only protecting them from the negativity you are about to explode when you keep bottling it up.

Its better to walk in the dark together than alone, of cause at times you need some time alone to yourself. But if you really care about the people you love, then give others the chance to help you go through it with you, even if they may not be able to help you, but at least , give them the chance to be there for you

In arguements, even myself can sometimes , prefer to avoid from confrontation. This , only if i really care about that person, but i would also confront them if i really care about their situation , if i think they should do something about it. Some see it as a criticism, if its not said properly. So its quite hard for me to not hurt people with my straightforwardness, so i try not to be too harsh to those who can be sensitive when people say the wrong things to them.

So i make jokes, to lighten them up whenever they are feeling down, sometimes at the wrong time. I must admit, i get sad actually when i see my friends sad, but you have to be the stronger ones, so that you can somehow make them feel better rather than focus on being sad. Once i just watch my friend cry so hard and don’t know what to do, well even if i do, which means i have to hold their hand, or hug them and comfort them. Coming from someone who is not good with touch, i find it awkward and rather clueless what to do. I’m the joker not the hugger, well at least not until i am comfortable enough with them.

There are times, i admit that i can get overboard with jokes, especially sarcasm, which i try not to use it carelessly since you don’t like to hurt the people you care for. But at times , you have to speak up and tell them, for their own good so that they can improve. I couldn’t stand seeing people making the same mistakes or worst mistakes, especially when my friends keep on choosing the wrong guy for them for example. You want them to be happy because you know they deserve better. Or perhaps they have been so insecure about something or weren’t dealing well in something that can be improve on, if they have the courage to work on their own weakness and turn into strength. As a friend, i like to see them happy and live a better life they deserve because you know they have the potential to be a better person if they believe in themselves more. I should apply that to my own life as well haha. Its a hard battle but im learning now.

So sometimes i come across with very sensitive people who may not know you well enough when you shot them down with what they should or shouldnt do to you or people. Some of them would hide in their own shell and shy away, and it makes me clueless when i was just trying to help them. Nowadays, i learn to let them to understand that. i wasn’t mad at them and meant well. Because, i rarely point out someone’s flaw unless i intend to help them. But its quite a delicate matter, so handle peoples feeling carefully.

However, i may be a bit traditional, and values respect. So no matter how close we are, respect can be lost faster than its earned. I guess i cant expect people to understand myself more than myself, but no ones like to be taken for granted, or careless word so think carefully on how you say your words. Its not what you say but HOW you say that will make a difference

For example, someone i never knew, came to me and ask me to teach him Malay language because he have an oral test on the following week. What annoys me, is how he ask for my help, despite being aware that he was quite desperate and worried about the exam.

So instead of asking me first my name and if i have free time to teach him, he says “i WANT you to teach me”. Instead of “CAN you teach me” . Same sentence different meaning, one makes you feel defensive and rather threaten by their rudeness to ask you such favor despite not knowing you. The other makes you feel comfortable and at least wont mind to help when you put it that way.

Communication is probably an advantage if we can somehow understand how others try to communicate with you or you communicate with them. Often, once in a while, i meant well in advicing or saying something that i feel not right, but it also makes some people misunderstand your intention and took it the wrong way or out of context. Thats when miscommunication happens.
So perhaps, if we try to listen more if we have been talking a lot, or talk more if we have been reserving our thoughts because we dont want to get into trouble for voicing out your opinions or what you really think of them. Just because you dont want to get hurt or hurt their feelings, can be dangerous because we are busy being afraid of what other peole think of you. Getting hurt is another way of getting better in understanding what is going on with the relationship you have.

Be it with your friends or family or even loved ones. So take time to listen, choose carefully what you want to share or say to people, do things together when if you dont like it, but try at least once, surprise people if you have time, buy them gifts if you can afford, or simply make them dinner or thoughtful small gestures like massage if they like to be touched, holding their hands once a while or letting them get close to you in ways you are comfortable with.

Gradually, you will learn to understand each other better because relationship is about growth, a true relationship, makes you grow with each other and learn more about one another. Eventually you will understand them better and would know just what to do when the other are sad or happy or anxious and deal with feelings and thoughts better.

There is nothing to rush, maturity takes time to ripe but it also needs nurture, so give it enough time to grow, space to breathe (which may be hardest for some people who loves to spend their time together or seeks attention from the people they love spending time with ), sunshine and rain, also as much love you can through talking to the’plants’ you are growing, not just with touch but talk to them as well even if they may not be able to reply to you the way you expect. Learn not to expect too much from people, then you wont be too dissapointed.

Sometimes the small things can turn into a big issue, because people tend to use it as an excuse when the real issue is not about that one thing that was the initial reason you got into such fights So its better to resolve it as early as you can before moving on to the next issue. But do give them some space to absorb and sort their life and feelings together.

Im not the best person when it comes to love, but i guess this sums up a little bit what i think can be done. Take time to reflect on your past relationship with your friends or loved ones, and how you deal with it. especially the failed ones, and get some honest feedback from people you trust enough will tell you the truth. Else take notice of what others have been complaining about you, out of concern and see if its true , before doing something about it.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you did some mistakes, everyone does, but dont let it stop you from making new ones that could help you go through the next learning stage. Life is after all a life long learning process.

So instead of focusing about how others should treat you, learn to treat others better. But dont let the negative ones get the better out of you. And see how that change your life, when you take your time to learn about others and accept them for who they are, and not what you think  they should be (or the idea of them). We can’t change people to be who we want them to be , but we can help them by slowly helping them without them realizing. For everyone are a mix of different personality, you just have to learn to recognize your own strength and weakness and learn to share it with others. At the same time acknowledge other people’s strength and weakness and help them overcome their weakness for the benefit of all.  Else we will forever be frustrated or disappointed by what the way people around us treats us.

Learn to avoid negative people who keeps bringing you down, dont let the negative opinions of others get the best of you or you will forever be imprisoned by what they think of you. You are who you are and its okay to be different, because we all are. I find my life more peaceful when i remove some negative people or thoughts from my life, some i had to keep a distance, but what matters now is how you deal with these people every time you meet them. I can promise you one thing, there will always be another negative people, from a different version that you will meet every once in a while. But if you surround yourself with positive people, like minded people who are similar like you or at least help brings out the best in you, you know that you have found a good company. Thats what i hold on, my father’s advice which is to keeping company. For you are the person whom you spend most of your time with, eventually the kind of friends you choose to be with are a reflection of who you are.

 

Like Prophet Muhammad saw says about friends,

“A person is on the religion of his companions. Therefore let every one of you carefully consider the company he keeps.” [Tirmidhi]

So its okay to be selective of the kind of friends you choose to be close with, as we grow old, its rather normal that we don’t find too many friends whom we are really close enough with us , true friends are hard to find, but if you can find one, its enough. But if you have more than one, you sure are one lucky friend.

And i really am lucky to have found some friends who have always been there for me, and went through a lot together. It was hard for me at first to let myself go and show that bit part of me, we went through quite a rough patch at times. But always, and always the true ones, stays at the toughest time even at times i can be quite hard to deal with at times haha.

Still, be open to new friends, they may not know you too well, but given a chance, who knows they might change your life and you to theirs 😉

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