I wrote this quite a while back but didn’t publish it until today, since that it was my friend’s birthday yesterday. So I am going to publish this today instead. though i am not sure she have time to read this but here goes:
Let me tell you about a stronger girl more than me.
The moment i saw her, i knew that i wanted to be friends with her.
She had this unique personality that only few i have encountered with
Or maybe because she was as crazy as me lol.. jk.
I know nothing about her except that we have to work on the same seminar last time. And after that , i got to know her better, and decided to open up to her about what i was going through. Giving up.
Its probably strange that i would tell her instead of my close friend, but for some reason, i think she would understand that feeling because she was also doing a research. I was already in a vulnerable state that time, and i wrote quite a long email about that , because if i were to tell that infront of her, i would certainly cry.
Holding myself together all the time was exhausting, so i learnt to let go. I learnt to give up. And hold on to others, reaching for a shoulder to cry on. And it was probably the best thing ive ever done.
I was falling, and this friend catched me just the right time not to let me spiral back down. But i also know that it wasnt just her who catch me at that time, but Allah swt have sent me a few more people, but she happened to be the nearest person to ever found me in that state.
You can know in one look that you want to be friends, good friends or close friends with a person. And i have never been so fortunate enough to find more than one person. She was one of them.
The longer im doing research, the longer list of people i am thankful for, and would have to put their name in acknowledgement. But to her, i owe her one of the biggest part, because she was struggling too, she was having a hard time on her own personal issue, and yet, she still reach out for another person not to fall down
And thats when i decided to help more people like me, starting from my friends near me, so that at least one more person wont fall down like i almost slipped. One by one, i try my best to reach out to them, making sure they are not hurt, and safe. I know i cant save everyone, but at least i can help someone.
I know that im still struggling with myself in this whole research, but i hope that if you are struggling with something, whatever it is,
You are not alone.
Letting go, also helped me to be more relaxed and at ease with myself and my circumstances. I could finally accept it the way it is, and have fun at the same time (though i can’t promise i wont get annoyed by my research sometimes …but they are a part of me now so i better accept it the way they are)
And I’ve never been happier to finally try to do the things i wanted to do, like taking up drum lesson which only last a month i think….would really love to continue that some time in the future but i have my priorities to focus on. I will continue that after my graduation perhaps?
Or working at the archaeology museum where i get to see a small bird making her nest every single day until she lay eggs inside it. Though i am a bit worried that the bird wont be able to get in during the weekends because the windows & the door will be locked. Nevertheless, the small bird taught me such a great lesson which is to never give up in building their nest. Like you can try again another day, so its okay if the doors or windows are closed that day because the next day opens you to a new door/window. *philosophical mode*
Coming back, I just wanted to say thank you for this whole time you patiently ‘listened’ to my long email. Or my random text messages which requires no replies, or any of my crazy spontaneous easy going thing, Also, for being straightforward so that everything are clear whenever there’s any misunderstanding. Not many would do that, but i am glad you did.
So to you, i wish you all the best in your thesis, and in whatever you do in the future (as long as it doesn’t involve any crime which id be happy to bail you out!) Hope you had a good time yesterday, and please…..do read that book one day. It may not change my life, but at least it changed the way i live my life. I’m not going to change your life though but you could use a good book (“,)
p/s: no i will not post your picture here without your permission ;P