Sometimes the pressures from the society are even more pressuring than being single itself.
The frequency of people asking you “when are you getting married?” when you stepped into university life, aren’t as much as when you have started working because it seems like some sort of indicator that one can afford to get married even if he/she don’t even have a stable job to even feed one more mouth.
What if every single person was to answer like this instead of our usual answer:
“I am still single, because I am still mending myself from a broken heart”
And they will say.
“Oh you will find another, there’s always another”
The question is, who?
Being heartbroken is not something that we can simply replace from one love to another.
You are lucky enough to even find one who could make you want to love again.
Sometimes you hear this from married people
“Oh I am so lucky that I don’t have to answer those questions anymore – laughs hysterically at the single”
Seriously? Who can even be so sure how long their marriage can last? For all you know, you could even be back to single after a few years of marriage. The jokes will then be on you, instead.
As we grow up from one relationship to another, we become more and more careful not to make the same mistakes or being caught with a situation that will only bring us into a deeper problem, ruining other people’s life for deciding to get married.
It is not uncommon to hear that some who marries too early, decided to get a divorce. This is no longer common among the non muslims but even among muslims,just go to the syariah court and there will be piles of unresolved divorce cases. Some may not get a divorce due to – again ‘pressure from society’ that expects you to stay through the marriage even if you are not happy with the marriage.
I always believe that it is better to be happily single than unhappily married.
An unhappy marriage will only lead to even more problem, especially between two families and the couple itself because they are bitter about each other, fighting over an issue that will only break the children’s heart, and sometimes even bicker about one another.
The demands and expectation from the society have grown to even more demanding than it used to be, wanting almost everyone to become part of a society that are also breaking its very foundation. Getting married, is a lifelong commitment, that we know, certainly as a single person, our commitment sometimes varies. Some had to put off their own wedding plans to make way for the rest of the siblings, or because they have to be the head of family should either one of the parents no longer alive or capable in providing for the family. It could be anything.
Every single person, I believe knows the benefits of getting married but they are also well aware of the downside of it should it go wrong. Sometimes, they were too busy managing their own life, that they don’t even realize that they have been so focused on their own life that they have completely shy away from being out there in the ‘market’ – if there is such.
If you were to want them to go out there selling them off, or grabbing a stranger and get a shotgun marriage, or all the typical love stories about love from the first sight, then probably you have been watching too much movies. Love, to some is not about the first sight, but the second, third, period of time to know each other if they are compatible enough to spend the rest of their life with.
To some who are lucky enough to find the right one within a month or two getting to know each other, well congratulations to you because some whom have like 6 years of relationship could not even survive one month of marriage after realizing that they are not suitable for each other.
If marriage are about gaining someone in their life, and what their job are, and all, then I would rather not get married for marriage to me is not about gaining or losing someone. It is more to completing each other’s deen, insecurities and flaws , believing one another despite our imperfections rather than an easy way out to stop people from asking the question , or just because they think that they should get married because everyone are already married to someone and even worst because they are lonely and not when they are ready.
I always ask people who gets married, why they get married. Most of the answers I get are how they felt right about each other, that they feel that the person they are marrying can make them happy. Certainly I would like to feel that way, to feel right about a person, a certain ‘right’ feeling that can’t be explained unless felt by that person itself. And as far as of now, I do not feel ‘right’ towards anyone, and it is not rightful of me to simply get married now, when you can’t even convince your own heart if that person is right for you or not.
The Quran says,
“And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may live in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you; Verily, in that are signs for people who reflect.” (Quran 30:21)
Such tranquility are hard to find these days, whenever my friend ask me about getting married and all, I will ask them back, can you find me someone who will? They tell me, they can’t. So if you can’t even help that person to find someone whom they deemed compatible enough to be married to, then what do you expect we could do?
Any single person, I believe have at least come across one or two or even more person in their life whom they think can be married to only to realize they weren’t the person meant for them for various reason. Some were cheated, some were left without a word, some suddenly decides to breaks up with them, some weren’t committed enough to get married with them, some turn out to be gay. By the way, don’t assume that just because they are over 30 and not married means every person you come across with are gay because some of them went through a lot than you could even imagine that they remain single until they die. Some of them are even more devoted to religion because that is the only protection from changing partners outside marriage. Some were even tired of the whole dating drama because they always get disappointed by it, that they choose to be single. This is just a general reason why people don’t make it as far as getting married.
Those who are smart enough to walk away before it is too late, chooses to break it off and remain single until they find someone who would stay and committed to the relationship. Some knowingly the bad side of that person would rather swallow their own pride, and get married because they think they can change that person. Chances are, it will only result to divorce or endless emotional torture, or even worst domestic violence.
When this happens, suddenly the society says that its not their problem or a family problem. So what chances do we even have?
Since the family units are slowly disintegrating, the kind of society we have now are even more disintegrated than we used to live in. Back then, if there is a robbery around the neighborhood, the villagers normally will instantly sets up a patrol system where they can look after one another.
When any of the family member are in trouble, they will try to help one another, even acquiring land, they will share with one another under the same grant to purchase a land. If there is a sick family member, they will come over and help whatever they could. When they have weddings, the whole village will help out with the wedding preparation thus reducing the cost of the wedding itself and shares the joy with the family rather than the family having to to pay all the cost onto themselves. When any of the relative’s children can’t go to school, the ones more well off in the family will help to cover for the school and even take them in as their own children until they finish their school. And when they couldn’t find a job, those who runs their own business or working on their own will take them in to help with the job they are working as. If they don’t have a house to live, they will stay with the relative house until they can afford to live in their own house or get married. And as much as arranged marriage were seen the last option to some, most arranged marriage at the time survive longer than your kids grows up and gets married.
Nowadays, you can only afford to look after yourselves that in the end you are cut off from these units and had to carry the responsibility on your own shoulder. Therefore, you had to pay your own schools, borrow from loans, look for your own house to rent, and find yourselves with a job enough to get you by the end of the month, sometimes only half of the month so you had to find part time job that can cover the other half.
What’s funny is that when a single person decides to continue their studies, they would at the first few month congratulates you by saying that you are a diligent (rajin) enough to continue your studies before waiting for that time to ask you again, why haven’t you finish with studying?
Learning, are highly encouraged in Islam, but why is it the society have turn into such a capitalistic form of society that expects you to work instantly when sometimes even a degree aren’t enough to get a job? Some job requires more than a degree for the job they are applying for, a degree alone nowadays don’t mean much to some employer. You either have a master or Ph.D, if you don’t have the skills or ‘enough’ experience to work. Therefore, continuing their studies is their way in improving their expertise because one has to master a certain expertise before they can graduate.
Learning is not just about learning the Islamic religion only, but other fields that is ‘fardhu kifayah’ if one do not study it. Some may already have a good basic in Islam, therefore they want to learn more in other fields that they are interested in.
Postgraduate students for example, especially those who do research, vary the timeline for each of the person who continues their master depending on the field they are studying in. Some data cannot easily be obtained, some even had to be hospitalized due to some sickness and had to start it all over again, most common when some computer crash wiping off everything they have been working on, some gets married and could never return back to doing their research because of family commitment, some studies a totally new area that to even get what they need to find is harder than getting someone’s phone number. So unless you are in their shoes and actually walking on it, please do not simply make your own conclusions.
These may seem just some reasons for those who are looking from the outside, but I believe that everyone in one time of their life were single and have come across such situations. So why the need to make fun of people being single by saying that you were just joking only to become just like the rest of the society you once hated? It’s not even funny to begin with and certainly its not something that you should joke about, we are not immune from getting hurt. Would you like it if we were to make fun of your misery and all the troubles you are going through after you got married and say that you were just joking?
For without realizing, it’s another form of bully against the single person just because they are used to being asked these questions doesn’t mean that they enjoy being asked the same question all over again, sometimes we don’t even have anymore answer than the very fact that we really don’t have anyone right now – which no one believes it anyway. We do feel depressed and stressed out by the pressures people give to us, it’s enough that we had to deal with our own problems be it family, studies, or even work, adding to that won’t even help us find anyone.
So, instead of joking around on issues that we know too well about it already, pray for us that we find someone whom we can also share the bliss of being married. Be considerate and kind to one another, everyone is going through their own struggles.
As for the matter of when I am getting married, I leave that to God to give the answer for He is the best planner. Allah knows best what we know not.