*Maktok writing in Jawi of Um’s name and her parents name
“Walaupun dah lima tahun Mak saya meninggal dunia, tetap rasa macam semalam” – T
“Setiap kali org cakap aku kena move on sebab Bapak aku dah lama meninggal, aku akan cakap, takpa, satu hari setiap orang akan rasa diuji kehilangan seseorang yg dia sayang”
For me , the second day was the hardest because I did not cry on the day she passed away. Allah swt gave me gift of redha, and I am open to talk about her passing away by writing about her as my refuge and therapy.
Those who knows me, knows how close we were. The lost my friends felt when I know their parents passed away, I now felt. It’s a feeling I never want anyone to feel especially if they are not ready or strong enough like how Allah swt prepared for us.
If I could choose one pain, is to never have to feel the pain of separation between parents and children. I can handle the miss whenever she goes outstation because I know she will come back. This time, she won’t, ever.
The only way I can see her, is through old photos of her, I remember most of the photos I take of her and the story behind it. But slowly I panicked because I forget at times her look and how her voice sounds.
Today, I am in a land where we promised to go, booked the flight together, and excitedly looking forward to attend a person wedding we both visited previously in Cork. However, Allah swt schedule her for a different path, she returns back to Allah swt and passed away 19 days before the wedding. I came anyway because that was her final wish and I do need a break from everything that have happened.
Separuh jiwa pergi @ half of our soul went for some, but for me, its like half of my body gone. On her third day of passing away, I had anxiety attack, my chest felt so painful that my friend had to hug me. I cried so much because that’s the only thing I could do. I was afraid because I don’t feel enough, my prayers, my Quran reading, I had to learn again because I just don’t feel my tajweed or reading is fluent enough.
I can never sleep again after Subuh not because I am a person who doesn’t sleep after Subuh. I always sleep after Subuh in the past, but since her passing, I just couldn’t because I normally get diarrhea almost everyday before Subuh in her final week and until a few weeks later I recovered from it after changing my food diet and started to take a walk again as exercise in the mornings. But I can never sleep again after Subuh until its time to sleep again at night. If I waked up earlier than Subuh and have energy, I will do Tahajjud or else Dhuha, at times I just stare at the blank wall, and wait for Subuh. Sometimes I’m awake at 430, 530 and 6am. I am thankful of this new routine, somehow I feel calm though tired in the beginning as I realize I took care of her almost a month at the hospital before she stayed in ICU for another month.
My friends reminded me, I have done enough, I know. My mom always remind me that even before she was sick, I have always been enough for her. And yet, in between the day, I will sneak some doa, whenever I miss her.
This is me recovering. We will be okay, Um. InsyAllah. We are going to be okay.