Down memory lane.

Umconvome

found a photo of Um during her Phd graduation and then there’s me years later. for my Master graduation. Um received her Phd with 5 kids, and I vividly remember some of her work involving recording countless of tape of our neighbour who used to teach in USM because she have a beautiful voice. During her time, she told me, she had to go to ‘google’ the library one by one, books by book, while I have everything on my finger tips (literally). Way before that her Master thesis would be using typewriter. So I guess the current generation are quite lucky that we don’t have to go through that. Our struggle may be different but the journey is almost the same with different level of patience, motivation and dedication haha. During her Master, she will make sure she finish off everything she needs at the university and focus on us siblings at home (If im not mistaken, Abi was in Malaysia doing his Phd in UKM). So she can only get her PhD way after we are already in our high school. Mom always wanted to be a lecturer since she was in school, but started off as a teacher first, then Maktab lecturer before she was accepted to teach here. Her journey to arrive where she is now started years and years before. I started my study year here in USM back 2006, as a Communication student before majoring in Broadcasting. It was my father’s idea that I take Communication and asked me to go to one of the classes first before i make my decision. I sneaked in one of the lecturer’s class, at the time, it was Dr Zain’s from PR class. I enjoyed it and agreed. I didn’t know much about communication but I tried anyway. By the second year, I chose Broadcasting because it was in between Journalism and Filming. My initial interest was PR but a ‘friend’ convinced me that I am ‘not good enough’ and I believed that I wasn’t. So I chose broadcasting, which is probably the best decision even if I don’t become a film director etc. Because of that choice, I was selected to go for a semester for my exchange in University College Cork, Ireland in European & Post Modern European Cinema. I extended my studies after returning from my exchange programme for a year, also because of an operation due to a sinusitis infection and finally graduated in 2010. When the rest of my friends have graduated and started working, I continued my Master, again after my dad suggested that I could do a research on Dinar Dirham. I made my pre-research before the actual research to see if its ‘researchable’ and refocused it into Community Currency ,by using Gold Dinar Silver Dirham as a case study. It took almost a year to finally know where my research focus on, I changed from Quantitative to Qualitative, changed the location of my study from USM to a market in KL that was using dinar dirham as part of their transaction. And after much procrastination and rollercoasters of motivation and emotional struggle, I finally graduated. I never realize how happy I was until I saw my picture taken by others. In my study year, most of my choice have been influenced by my parents particularly my Abi. But knowing that parents see what their children could be or potentially become. I learn to believe in myself the way others believed in me. That was what I try to remind myself every time I feel like giving up because like any other growing up ‘teenager’ , i didn’t feel that I was good enough. There will always be this voice that keeps you from moving forward. It took me years to realize that I am good enough and started to believe in my own ability. I never tell my parents though about this, but I am lucky that they have always believed in every one of us (siblings). When I did my degree, my father was ‘convinced’ that I will be a scriptwriter or a filmmaker, even if i didn’t lol. When i did my master, he continued to believe in me. Honestly, when my mother asked me what was the reason behind me wanting to give up back then, I realize it was for one thing, believe. I didn’t believe enough that I could do just about anything in the world once I put my mind on it. And when I did, and asked for help from others (which is one of my problem as well, because i also thought that i have to carry this research on my own, instead research is ‘teamwork’ : family and friends support, your supervisor guidance and even the staffs etc)…so i asked for help, from the One who is the Most Helpful, and all the help in the world was given to me that all I can do is thank Allah swt for blessing me with all the people in my world. There was even strangers who helped me to believe again, like the cleaner who talked about his late son who would have been studying in USM but passed away before he could even enrol to USM. And other people who keep on cheering on me, that i started to see how important is a support system. That even if i have graduated, i continued to return the support i receive from others to other people who have not graduated, because i know how it feels to hit rock bottom and struggling to climb out. Remembering that one friend who ‘convinced’ me that I was ‘not good enough’, I thank her the most because it lead me to where I am now. Its a self discovery process but I learn not to listen to what people say and ignore all the negativity or negative people that keeps on bringing me down. I’m not saying that I am immune from hurtful words, but at least i know that i have the power not to allow myself to accept people’s word blindly without evaluating whether or not its true. Now that i have graduated, I am still in the process of sorting my life out, and because of that, I am currently on my gap year or a break (a rare choice here but not in other parts of the world). I worked before this but decided to quit for my own reason and didn’t regret it. Most of the time, helping my parents, some little volunteer research and other times,spend my own time with friends or on my own. But at least, I am happy that I get a chance to spend more time with my family and figure out what i want to do next because i didn’t have much time to reflect about myself and where I want to go from here. Everything was about completing my study but never asked myself what I really want to do and happiest doing it. Perhaps, my delay is His blessings in disguise for it lead me to where I am now. InsyAllah , all will be revealed in good time. Thanks to my parents for understanding and their support. I could never have done it without them🙂

 

8 little happiness

i watched a video asking the viewer what makes you happy? and this is my response to it

1) making a new friend🙂

i didn’t expect to be able to connect with someone as much as i did with her. i must say, agreeing to follow her research have enabled me to talk about some things that i only share with a selected few. its probably the food hunt that did most of the work. lol! i thank you for that. you know who you  are🙂

2) this happened when i was about to leave Penang to Kl, a foreign women was asking where will the bus stops at, with quite struggling Malay and Nepal accent. I am very sure she is not from Malaysia. Then, the driver ask where she’s from and she was blushing silent and signal that she’s from here, trying to cover the fact she’s not. Later her phone rings and speaks fluently in Nepal language and when the ticket man came to check her ticket , but she couldn’t understand the Penang dialect, she quickly opens the dictionary. Later on she left the bus. Still it was quite a funny scene to see her trying to pretend to be a local with thick Nepal accent.

3) this happened when we were eating, the family next to us have two kids, and suddenly the girls came up to us and wanted to ‘salam’ us, one of them even hugged my friend which she delightedly returns the kind gesture. one of them wanted to take the tissue packet on our table, maybe because it have cartoon on it, but her father stops her from taking what is not theirs, so she was crying because of it. still it made us very happy to suddenly be greeted with two little kids.

4) we were in jalan TAR, trying to find the famous Capital Cafe which is famous for Mee Hailam, it felt like i was in Penang again. We also passed by an old cinema which have an antique film camera displayed in front of it. the internal broadcast in me was literally screaming to joy. and then we find ourselves to the cafe recommended, a beggar came to ask for money, my friend gave her extra and she was leaping with joy, that too made me smile.

5)  this happened particularly when we were visiting the Negeri Sembilan Museum, knowing that we were doing a research, a practical student from uitm who was doing his internship asked us a lot of question on postgraduate life, particularly to my friend since she’s doing her Phd. But i shared a bit of my two cents from my own experience, the look in his eyes, that eagerness to pursue their studies but a little scared and the relief in his face after hearing our story, that too made me happy

6) we were in Terengganu, trying to find respondents, which lead to us into a ‘pokemon’ @ respondent-mon search from house to house in a kampung where Songket weavers are known to be living in. Some was very kind to invite us to their home, and serve tea, while some were a bit not comfortable of being interviewed. either way, it lead to many beautiful moments which i will forever remember , especially that kind young girl who had to quit her school after her parents pass away and help to manage the little stall. she even helped to buy our lunch when the food at her stall runs out. such a kind person , may God bless her with good life and happiness too!

7) reconnecting with some old friends i have not seen for quite some time… i try to meet as many friends possible whenever i visit a certain area,  but  not all of them..lol! still it was good to catch up though some awkward moments to try to meet all of them at the same time with none of them knowing each other except they know me hehe.. i end up being a bit of introvert for a moment there, but im glad they all clicked with each other.

8)when i finally arrive home, my niece and nephew shyly comes out from their parents room, and they were very happy to help me open my parcel before my nephew takes it away to draw and sit on it pretending he is on a boat. and that alone made me happy because im finally….home ^^

it doesn’t take much to be happy….it only takes….you🙂

The Life and Times of Tun Fatimah Srikandi Melaka

“It was said that the Portuguese were more intimidated by Tun Fatimah than her reigning husband. When Malaca fell dramatically into the hands of the Portuguese in 1511, Tun Fatimah was instrumental in the fight to recapture Malacca, including the expansionary work of the new Malay Johore-Riau Empire which became Portuguese Malacca’s rival. Tun Fatimah created an alliance with neighbouring kingdoms by marrying her children into the ruling families of Acheh, Minangkabau and Borneo. ”

This is new!

kampunghouse

One of the most inspiring icons of the Malaccan Empire is Tun Fatimah, the last Sultanah of Malacca. Tun Fatimah is the daughter of Bendahara Tun Mutahir, the Prime Minister during the reign of Sultan Mahmud Shah a.k.a The One Who Got Us Colonised. Tun Fatimah was married to Tun Ali when the Sultan set his eyes on her during the wedding reception and, transfixed by her beauty and drunk with power, was determined to make her his consort. Tun Fatimah refused to divorce her husband, so when a false rumour was spread that the Prime Minister was planning a plot against the Sultan, the Sultan hastily used it as an excuse to order the execution of Bendahara Tun Mutahir and all male relatives, including Tun Fatimah’s husband, in order to forcibly marry her.

During her time as the consort, Tun Fatimah was said to have never smiled, and miscarried…

View original post 1,255 more words

The ‘M’ word

“Will I ever see a wedding anytime soon?”
So we have arrived to that part where your mom smoothly ask you about your marriage. I didn’t have any answer for that, because I really don’t.
Perhaps I should have said, insyAllah there will be. But it is not up to me.
I thank everyone who is concern about me being single but perhaps my delay is a blessings for i particularly enjoyed being single where i take my time to know myself and do what I’ve always wanted to do. Most of all, spending most of my time with my parents. Dating were out of question, not because my parents were against it or encouraging it, but it just never occur to me since…come on…I don’t live to find men (literally).
Importantly, I learn to love myself and enjoy my own company. Its weird for others but normal for people like me who don’t live to try and fit in to people’s expectations. (Its a long process though.)
I was quite surprised to see how much importance people put marriage as but i also understand how important it is to build a marriage. And I was taken aback by certain standards people put as if one has to know everything before they get married when im pretty sure most who does get married don’t even know what they were doing and still learning about each other even if they are old. (don’t lie,eh…)
Friends, single or married sometimes comes to me for advice. while I know nothing about love or marriage is about.I do know one thing, you are as valuable as you think you are. So how you see yourself, or love, or marriage, is who you are inside.
For singles who is concern about them not being married yet etc, I try to assure them that their time will come at the right time for the right reason and with the right person. Most of them are married by now, and told me its true. But what I say , are only what has been said by Allah swt in many of the verse in Quran. When you have faith in Allah swt plans, you just leave it to Allah swt to take care of the affairs even if you can’t see anything happening right now.
So if Iblees comes and says: ‘How much did you call upon Him and did not see any response?’
Then say: ‘I worship (Allāh) by making du’a, and I am certain that the answer will come. But maybe its delay is due to some good, and even if it doesn’t happen, worship and humility takes place.’
Ibn Jawzi
Coming across this gave me more assurance of the path that He have written for me. Also how important it is to have faith in Allah swt plans on us, for there will always be such whispers that will manipulate into thinking that you are inadequate and thus kills your own self esteem and trust in Allah swt. Instead, we ‘trust’ men, and what people would say if we do not get married, and creating such fear and constant insecurity about ourselves and our own value, and self worth.
Therefore, when such thoughts comes to us , please do not listen and focus on being the right person for yourselves not others. These thoughts especially people’s words is not the one who provides you when you need help. And if you did have to let go of certain people in your life, know that you are better off without the ones who keeps you from being who you are, or people who hurts you, for all you know, Allah swt has been saving you from numerous people that will make your life even more miserable in the future. And it matters not if there will be another person to protect you when we have Allah swt to protect us.
We tend to look at the ones who left us rather than those who have stayed for us. When what we are about to receive in the future are far better than the ones we have now. So don’t count what you have lost, for it will never come back, but turn our focus on what we have now like a family to come back home to, friends who has been there for us, and all the little things we take for granted.
Sure its nice to see your friends getting married and all that, but it isn’t all rosy and calm all the time. What we see on social media is just the part that people want us to see, but beneath those smiles only God knows what happens between them. It doesn’t mean that marriage is a bad thing, its not, in fact its a good reason to know one person and their family for the rest of your life. Getting annoyed by them, overlooking stuff, fightings …lots of fightings , making up, huge amount of patience, until that point where you finally get along with each other.
As I tell one of my friend who will be getting married (no names in particular) , the secret of marriage lies between two people who vow to commit to each other and somehow make their marriage work, no matter what it takes. So as long as you have that in both of you, you will find a way to make it work. And God willing, He will make a way out of it. InsyAllah, my prayers be with you.

Quit, part 2

I wrote this on my facebook, i thought i might share it here but in english. I was referring to a posting about how one  celeb finally earned her PhD after 6 years.

I had the same experience though different challenges. I wanted to share with people I know but they wouldn’t understand. They just can’t, unless we go through it ourselves.

It took almost 4 years for me but my brain was tired even until now. So when people keep telling me to continue PhD (like its so easy), I can only say InsyAllah (God willing, one day I will). Provided that I find a research that I am really passionate of (Im really done with my previous topic for reasons only I know). Because, in the end, its you who has to do the research not them (though its not like I can do my research every day)

Those who doesn’t know, the process of writing a thesis is not something you can do in a day or two, sometimes in a day, you can write a page, sometimes a paragraph, sometimes only write one line and if you don’t have any idea what to write, you shut down your computer and go out. Take a break. Get some fresh air so that your brain can rest and not think of your research (Even though subconsciously you do)

Continuing your study, be it master or Phd is a choice you make. To work is also a choice, not working is also a choice, taking a break or a gap year is also a choice …just like getting married, having kids is also a choice. But it doesn’t mean you just sit around doing nothing, you still have other responsibilities and do other things in between.

I worked for a while, only to realize you were not happy, not as in happy without any problems at work, the stress is still there, you still meet challenging people, but happy as in you look forward to working everyday, in spite of the things you have to go through each day. And rather than staying in an environment that doesn’t make you grow, and makes you happy anymore, its better to quit than trying to convince yourself it will get better.

Know your value, and respect your own self worth, that’s all I can say. Its the same advice I tell my friends who face the same situation. Even to those who was struggling to complete their master, due to certain circumstances. Do what you think is best for the situation. Its your choice, but learn to live with that choice you made.

For me, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my time complaining about people I don’t like at work. It was the toughest decision but the easiest once we have made up our mind , receive blessings from my parents who supported my decision. And i never look back ever since.

My mother said, its okay to quit.One day, I will find a better job and opportunity that I deserve. After all, Allah s.w.t is the best planner, there must be a ‘rezeki’(proportion) for me elsewhere that will be better than before. So I must learn to wait and have faith in His plans.

Quit

I was reading this “Whatever you do, don’t quit your job to pursue your passion”.

And its true.

Quitting is easy. But if you don’t have your family ‘support’ . Id be broke by now. I don’t recommend anyone to quit their job if they don’t have that ‘safety net’ to fall back into

Dreams are really hard, you cant hang to it too long, you cant hold on to it too hard. Sometimes you have to let go of your dreams, and make new ones that is more realistic. If its not because of some things i had in plan, i would be job hunting again. But i’m giving myself a break and wait until my plan is done

My gut feelings say that i should stick to that plan and let things reveal itself. But i must admit that i go on roller coaster mode everyday

A friend of mine didn’t have a job for 6 month, kicked out of her rent house by her own best friend, but her mom told her. Hang in there, God will give her what she deserve and she will get a good job one day

And she did, and now works in Dubai (Yes you! I just wrote bout you,Z)

Not saying that its always going to be lucky but if you have your parents supporting your decision, esp your mom praying for you, trust them

Your parents doa is everything, also your willingness to find new opportunity elsewhere. And i believe mine will come too. Its just taking some time to take into place, but i’ll get there. And if it doesn’t, i will find another way

There’s another friend who i convince her to quit, only because she have reached that level where she is better off working elsewhere. She said its not easy for her too, struggled for the first few year doing freelance job of her expertise, but finally she did it.  So i only encourage people to quit when they already acquire certain expertise that she can be independent from. And if they don’t have little mouth to feed.

Those parents who stayed in their crappy job, for their family. I genuinely respect them.  I hope i don’t have to be that parents and showed to my kids, i did it and so can they achieve their dream

A wise man once said to me: “If you don’t love what you do, don’t do it!”

And I did.

‘rezeki’ @ rizq

 

Hamza Yusuf, on ‘rizq’ @ provision

Purification of the Heart: Signs, Symptoms and Cures of the Spiritual Diseases of the Heart

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Rezeki itu ada dua bentuk, batin (yang tak nampak) dan zahir (yang nampak). Rezeki yang nampak termasuklah makanan, tempat tinggal, hidup yang baik. Rezeki yang tidak nampak ialah, ilmu pengetahuan, peribadi yang baik, rasa cukup (contentment), dan seantaranya.
 
Termasuklah orang-orang yang di dalam hidup kita ( kawan2, cikgu2, pasangan hidup, keluarga, dan seterusnya)…oleh itu, janganlah kita keliru antara memperoleh rezeki dengan kekayaan, Apabila seseorang percaya bahawa rezekinya bergantung kepada orang lain, akan menyebabkan perlbagai penyakit, seperti mahukan apa yang seseorang itu miliki, melakukan apa saja untuk mendapatkannya, dan menjadi marah apabila tidak mendapat apa yang dimahukannya. Rasulullah saw berkata kepada Malaikat Jibril
 
“Tidak ada yang akan meninggal dunia sehingga rezeki yang telah diperuntukkan untuknya telah lengkap diberikan”.
 
Maka, yakinlah kepada Allah swt dan mintalah perlindungan dariNya daripada melakukan perkara yang haram hanya kerana takut tidak mempunyai cukup kekayaan.

 

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